You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
