The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?