I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
