I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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