Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
