the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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