It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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