he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
