Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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