Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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