If that was your dad, he is hot
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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