i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
