You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
