take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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