Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
