I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
