Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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