last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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