i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
