i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
