Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
