I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
