so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
