Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went