birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.