he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence