i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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