Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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