all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
