dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
