Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
