cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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