Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
