Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
