I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize