You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
