My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
