Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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