i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
