ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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