dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
