haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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