I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
