you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
