god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
