I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
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I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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