I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
