get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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