grandma shit on top of the toilet
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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