On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
