mondays should just be called national damage control day
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
