you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's official drugs can't kill me
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
