Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
