I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
