Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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