just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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