seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Dear god my vagina.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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