We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
