So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
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HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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