If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Found the puke drawer
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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