OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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